How to handle "I’m not ready to settle down yet"

How can the needs of one be met if the other is not ready

provide what it takes to make a romantic relationship possible

evolve into a meaningful lifelong commitment?

When one person is ready to move on, ready to be one

more intimate connection, and the other does not, what then?

Many people could have reached the level of intimacy and

commitment they desired if only they had been given the patience,

compassion and understanding for the other. Still a lot

people are childish when it comes to matters of the heart.

Many don’t have the patience to work on a relationship when it does

does not meet all their expectations as quickly as they do

would like. As a result, you break up, which people desire

each other, people with pain in their hearts, if it’s simple

compassion and understanding could have brought them all

they wanted over time.

Many people end relationships because they don’t understand

that friendship is the key – that they must build

trust and enjoy the other person’s company without all the formality

dating or courtship.

Yes, courtship, dating, sex, romance are all essential for a romantic

relationship, but there are many people who have problems

of intimacy to work through first. Many people need it

go slow and build confidence and reach a certain comfort level

with someone before they can commit. So in this

case, if one is ready for a committed, exclusive relationship

and the other does not, instead of ending hastily and prematurely

the relationship, make it a friendship.

Stop the pressure of dating and courtship. Allow yourself

to bond in a deep, respectful and trusting union as

friends, as best friends.

If the attraction is there, if the chemistry is right, if the

two of you have a lot in common and share meaningfully

goals, why should that beautiful experience be ended altogether?

Instead, you can continue the growth and development

of your friendship, which is after all the truth

basis of any real marriage.

So if you are ready for commitment and your partner is

don’t, let go of the pressure and just be friends. Best friends. no

sex, no dates, no candlelight intimacy. You like that

the bond of friendship grows, as trust deepens, the one

who was not ready before, is suddenly ready. And you

have been there all along. You reached from your heart to

understanding rather than demanding a commitment

of emotions and actions that the other just didn’t want to give.

Time heals fear.

Time builds trust and love grows with time.

However, you will find that the physical chemistry is

still strong. If you really want to share the love or

passion with each other, do not deny this and do not suppress it, because

this causes tension. Go with the flow of your sincerity

feelings. If you are attracted to each other, show it. If

you want to sleep together and hold each other, then do that!

It is not wrong to show love. The wrong thing is to deny

your love, your chemistry and your feelings just to conform

to a rigid belief or “should” regarding that of society

dating or courtship expectations. There is no “should”

there is only truth. If you feel love and attraction, don’t

remember it; show it.

If one of you desires a monogamous relationship and

the other is simply not ready for that, then you have to decide

what matters most to you: really sharing the time

you have to be together or settle for not having each other

your life at all.

If you allow the word “should” to rule your life,

you find that you are no longer in control of achieving everything you do

want. This is not the same as “unwind”. Settling is when you

deny what’s really in your heart because your head tells it

you’re doing it wrong and that you ‘should’ do or don’t


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Is it really wrong to sleep with someone you adore and are?

physically attracted to just because you’re not ready to make

a formal monogamous union?


Is it really wrong to sleep with someone you care about?

deep and are attracted because it is not an exclusive,

monogamous relationship?


The only “should” that can properly control your life

is that you should do what is really in your heart. Does not matter

what society tells you, regardless of what anyone tells you, if

it is true and right in your heart, then it is true and good for it

you. That’s being your own best friend as well as being a best friend

with the one you love but are not formally committed to.

Commit to the real truth in your heart. express that,

and you will feel validated, whole and complete inside.

One reason relationships fail is that one person is looking for validation

by the other. But if you validate your own worth,

when you get respect and admiration from yourself and

it does not have to come from the other person, then you own a

quality that is the basis of pure love: the ability to give.

To give understanding instead of expectation.

To give patience instead of haste.

Giving compassion instead of ego fulfillment.

To give friendship instead of demanding commitment

the other may not be ready to make yet.

For as you sow, so shall you reap. As you give, so will you

be given in return. While reaching out of your comfort zone

to be there for the other person, you will find that over time they will

reach out of their comfort zone to return your goodness


They will give, they will commit to you, because you will have

show them that you are worth their effort, and

they will ask you to share your life with them.

For it is the one who endures the good times as well as

the hard times that eventually destroy the love, the respect, the admiration,

and commitment of the other. It’s very rare

have someone in your life who will be there for you as one

friend; this is a gift.

Relationships are testing grounds; they test the band, the

endurance, respect for oneself and for others.

How can you expect someone to make a lifelong commitment

up to you if they don’t see that you’re capable first

to meet the challenges that arise in the early stages

of a relationship?

You see, life brings challenges. Life brings circumstances

that you must overcome. If you love a boyfriend or girlfriend,

and they can’t be there for you in the early morning

challenges of the relationship, how can you expect

that they commit to you for life?

Couples who successfully passed the challenges

of their relationship will tell you that it requires work

in itself and beyond the needs of the self to really be there for the

other; it takes work to build a lasting relationship

the trials of life and the ravages of time.

If you’re not ready, but you can’t let go

Life will continue to give you the same challenge in all your personal ones

relationships until you face it and work through it.

For example if you have a problem with commitment or

intimacy, the same challenge you find in every relationship,

until one day you meet that one person who causes you

looking within – searching your heart to find the answer. In front of

when you find true love, another soul with whom you have a feeling

indescribable bond, that person will make you look inside

to heal the problem that blocks the flow of happiness you deserve

in your life.

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And if you look within for a solution, you will have it

everything you really desire. If you don’t, you will live with regrets.

To search or not to search is always your choice.

You can choose to run from one empty relationship to another,

year after year, or you can choose to realize that fulfillment

comes when the bonds of love and friendship are

combined, and that those bonds are far too valuable and costly

throw it away once you find the one person who

makes you turn around. When you are healed

through that relationship, you are ready to commit yourself

to that person with true love.

© Copyright by Barbara Rose, all rights reserved. Extract from Individual power: reclaiming your core, your truth and your life. Published by The Rose Group (2003) ISBN: 097414570X